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All the Latest in Sports
UNC Falls Inches Short Again, Belichick Blames It on ‘Lack of Cheating Infrastructure’
Belichick blames his latest goal-line loss on the Tar Heels’ “failure to implement basic intelligence gathering,” adding that “winning requires more eyes in the stands.”
Chauncey Billups Denies Gambling Allegations, Admits He Can’t Even Win at Uno
The Blazers coach insists he’s innocent, unlucky, and statistically incapable of pulling a full house without divine intervention.
Danica Patrick Blasts Bad Bunny: ‘The Only Spanish at the Super Bowl Should Be Doritos’
Danica Patrick called Bad Bunny’s halftime show “a threat to American values,” insisting halftime acts stick to English, country music, and tailgate-approved beverages.
Wasn’t in the Playbook: Ex-NFL Star Quits FBI After Trump Calls Blitz on Immigrants
The ex-Bears legend says he joined to protect the country, not help the president call a zone blitz on asylum seekers. After all, not every defender tackles conscience as easily as a wide…
UFC Announces White House Fight Night, Finally Makes Idiocracy a Documentary
America is turning its front lawn into a cage fight, complete with McGregor, Trump commentary, and a pyrotechnic budget larger than the Pentagon’s cafeteria.
Police Officer Mistakes Sophie Cunningham for Court Intruder, Asks for Ticket Stub
When Sophie Cunningham tried to check on a teammate, she instead got checked by law enforcement. The WNBA continues its streak as America’s most bizarre experiment.
Bears Promise They’ll Fix Caleb Williams Right After They Finish Ruining Him
Bears leadership swears Caleb Williams will thrive… once they finish grinding his career into dust, just like every quarterback before him.
Trump Spotted Biting Blue Mystery Object, Nation Places Bets on Viagra vs. Altoid
The U.S. Open crowd wanted a five-set thriller, but instead got a close-up of Donald Trump gnawing on a mysterious blue object that instantly launched a thousand conspiracy theories.
Trump Demands Larger Flag at US Open, Says Current One “Barely Covers My Ego”
Trump wasn’t satisfied with the massive U.S. Open flag, saying it was “too puny” and demanding one that could “cover Queens, Brooklyn, and most of Long Island.”
