Astrologers call this a “transformative” week, which is cosmic code for “expensive and mildly humiliating.” With Neptune lost in its own daydream and Mars playing dodgeball with your self-control, expect big emotions, bad timing, and a renewed belief that retail therapy counts as shadow work.
ARIES – March 21 to April 19
You’ll feel unstoppable until gravity reminds you otherwise. Channel your impulsive energy into something safe, like writing emails you’ll never send.
TAURUS – April 20 to May 20
You’ll crave comfort but find chaos instead. The stars recommend either deep breathing or deep-frying — both achieve similar serenity.
GEMINI – May 21 to June 20
Your social calendar looks full because you double-booked yourself again. You can’t clone yourself yet, but Elon Musk is reportedly working on it.
CANCER – June 21 to July 22
You’ll mistake nostalgia for progress and reach out to an ex. The stars immediately delete their number for you. You’re welcome.
LEO – July 23 to August 22
You’ll command attention this week, even when you shouldn’t. Remember: sometimes confidence is just volume with glitter.
VIRGO – August 23 to September 22
Your inner critic is now charging rent. The stars suggest evicting them and moving in with someone more supportive — like denial.
LIBRA – September 23 to October 22
You’ll finally achieve balance by giving up entirely. It’s not defeat; it’s horizontal mindfulness.
SCORPIO – October 23 to November 21
You’ll uncover a secret, mostly because you accidentally opened the wrong group chat. Pretend it was the stars guiding you.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 to December 21
Adventure calls again, but this time it’s just your bank alert. The stars say overdrafting builds character.
CAPRICORN – December 22 to January 19
You’ll try to plan every minute of your week, then get ambushed by feelings. Consider rescheduling emotions for Q1 2026.
AQUARIUS – January 20 to February 18
You’ll feel inspired to “change the system,” which is adorable. Start small: maybe pay your parking tickets first.
PISCES – February 19 to March 20
You’ll be overwhelmed by creativity and underwhelmed by follow-through. The universe applauds your vision and ignores your execution.
