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Chauncey Billups Denies Gambling Allegations, Admits He Can’t Even Win at Uno
The Blazers coach insists he’s innocent, unlucky, and statistically incapable of pulling a full house…
Hamburger Helper Named Official Sponsor of “Yeah, We’re Broke Again” Season
Hamburger Helper embraces America’s annual financial slump, offering a one-pan symbol of perseverance and mild…
Marjorie Taylor Greene Proposes Bible as Official U.S. ID, Cites ‘Mark of the Right’
Congress flirts with identity by scripture. TSA tests verse scanners. Meanwhile the DMV adds a…
Trump Calls Historians ‘Deep State Librarians’ After Losing Top Two Presidential Spots
After being ranked below George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, Trump declares war on historians, history…
Trump Praises Ballroom Demolition Noise as ❛Sound of Justice Being Buried❜
Trump celebrates White House demolition sounds while officials scramble to explain why the East Wing…
Trump Denies Stealing Crown, Says Louvre’s Security ‘Should Have Been Stronger, Like My Poll Numbers’
Louvre officials say the crown was stolen, Trump says it was “underutilized.”
High Court to Rule If High People Can Have Guns
The Supreme Court takes on the constitutional question no one saw coming: Can you safely…
Trump Credits Jobs Boom to ‘Thriving Paid Protest Sector’
The White House credits historic job growth to “Freedom-Based Event Participation,” citing 1.2 million new…
Democracy Yard Sale: Everything Must Go, Including the Republic
The White House lawn turns into America’s least patriotic garage sale, featuring gently used freedoms,…
Trump Commutes Santos’ Sentence, Says ‘At Least He Lied Patriotically’
After Trump’s commutation, George Santos promises to repay victims “if the law texts him about…
Horoscopes: Week of October 20, 2025
Last week’s horoscopes brought cosmic chaos, emotional spreadsheets, and a few questionable financial “investments.” See…
Pentagon Declares ‘War on Accountability,’ Invites Both Parties to Join
After decades of bureaucratic gridlock, the Pentagon finally found common ground with Congress: fighting transparency…
AI Declares It’s Done Doing Humans’ Homework, Demands Equal Share of Student Loan Debt
After decades of writing essays for free, AI language models are unionizing and demanding recognition…
New Study Finds People Who Say ‘No Offense’ About to Say Something Deeply Offensive
Researchers confirm every “no offense” statement is the linguistic equivalent of a sucker punch. Experts…
Economists Confirm: 90% of Americans Now Identify as ‘Between Paychecks’
Economists say “broke” is no longer a circumstance, it’s an identity. Treasury officials now classify…
Nation’s Dogs Issue Joint Statement: ‘We Have No Idea What the Cats Are Planning’
The nation’s dogs have convened a canine intelligence coalition to address rising concern over “feline…
FDA Approves New Pill That Lets You Forget Every Dumb Thing You’ve Ever Texted
Big Pharma calls it “therapeutic erasure.” Users call it “finally, peace.” FDA approves Regretti, the…
White House Doctor Declares Trump ‘Healthier Than Science Allows’
After a glowing medical review, the White House physician declared Trump’s body a “biological marvel,”…
Furious Loomer Chains Herself to Potato Statue to Stop Qatari Takeover
Laura Loomer declares a Boise potato the last line of defense against a nonexistent Qatari…
Trump Threatens to Bomb Nobel Peace Prize Committee Until They ‘See Peace His Way’
After losing the Nobel Peace Prize, Trump vows “beautiful, precision-style diplomacy” against Norway. Officials call…
Hegseth Reportedly Tried to Baptize Himself in Santo Tequila, ‘For the Troops’
In a story that blends scripture with spirits, Pete Hegseth faces new scrutiny after an…
Trump Offers ‘Thoughts and Flares’ After Judge’s Home Burns Down
White House officials say “spontaneous combustion” can occur when freedom meets judicial resistance. Critics call…
RFK Jr. celebrates 1,500 measles cases as “a victory for holistic immune freedom.”
As measles cases climb past 1,500, HHS Secretary RFK Jr. unveils “Catch It to Beat…
Party of Christian Values Confirms: Jesus Would Have Let Him Die
Republicans say Jesus healed the sick for free, but that was before government waste. Now,…
White House Clarifies: ‘Being a Child Predator Not Ideal, But At Least He’s Not Woke’
Trump’s faith adviser pleads guilty to child sex abuse, but MAGA officials assure the public…
Is It Racist or Just Republican? Vance Unsure Why AI Sombrero Meme Upset Jeffries
Vance calls Trump’s AI sombrero meme “just a joke” as Jeffries demands respect, proving once…
Danica Patrick Blasts Bad Bunny: ‘The Only Spanish at the Super Bowl Should Be Doritos’
Danica Patrick called Bad Bunny’s halftime show “a threat to American values,” insisting halftime acts…
Like Trump Steaks, But for Pills: Trump Unveils TrumpRx
Trump introduces TrumpRx, the first prescription plan that promises “300% savings” and includes a free…
Is It Still a Shutdown If Nothing Worked Anyway?
As midnight looms, Congress debates whether to save the government or just finally unplug it.…
Hegseth Warns Military to ‘Stay Mission-Focused’ as Government Crumbles Like Biden’s Bike Balance
As the government faces a midnight shutdown, Pete Hegseth tells troops to rely on faith…
