NEED TO KNOW
- New Bureau of Labor Feelings survey finds “broke” now a shared identity, not a temporary status.
- Federal Reserve exploring “hope-based” monetary policy to replace U.S. dollar.
- Financial experts say Venmo balances now represent “national emotional liquidity.”
New Economic Identity Gains Mainstream Recognition
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what analysts are calling “a major reclassification of reality,” economists confirmed Friday that over 90% of Americans now self-identify as “between paychecks.” The category, previously seen as a brief financial phase, has become a stable demographic, joining others like “homeowners” and “people who pretend to understand taxes.”
“This is a milestone,” said Dr. Lydia Venmo, senior economist at the Institute for Financial Coping. “We used to measure wealth in assets and savings. Now, we measure it in time until direct deposit.” Venmo’s research shows the average American experiences just 4.5 hours of financial peace per pay period, usually between midnight and 4:30 a.m. on payday.
Treasury Redefines Money as ‘Shared Imagination’
The Treasury Department responded to the findings by unveiling a new initiative called “Project Manifest,” aimed at transitioning the economy to what officials describe as “manifested currency.” “If people believe they have money, that’s functionally the same as having it,” said Treasury Undersecretary Ben Nickelson. “We’re calling it a confidence-backed dollar.”
Nickelson added that optimism will now serve as legal tender for small transactions. “Your coffee might cost $6.50, but if you say ‘it’s gonna be a great day,’ that’s at least $3 of emotional equity.”
Wall Street Reacts, Public Panics
Markets rallied briefly before crashing again after a leaked Federal Reserve chart showed “Hope per Household” declining at record speed. Economists warn the next major economic bubble could be built entirely on the word “manifest.”
“We’re in uncharted territory,” said financial historian Dr. Caleb Roth. “In 2008, the crisis was subprime mortgages. In 2025, it’s gonna be people overvaluing good intentions.” Roth added that the average American’s portfolio now consists of two credit cards, an unopened Roth IRA, and one strong opinion about avocado toast prices.
Meanwhile, President Trump has declared the economy “perfectly healthy,” citing “a gut feeling stronger than any GDP.” When asked about Inflation, he responded, “Nobody knows what that is, but I stopped it.”
Money is imaginary, debt is forever, and confidence is taxable
Dr. Lydia Venmo, Institute for Financial Coping
